Realizations

Things I have learned today (and not in the best way):


- More people are trying to take advantage of me than I am comfortable with. What appears initially as a friendly gesture of generosity or friendship quickly becomes transparent in its self-serving nature. So many people want to be friends with me if only so I will make guest-appearances at their English classrooms (ie: teach the class, so they get a week off from lesson-planning), help tutor their children, edit their writing, or help them to improve their own English. I completely understand that friendship is reciprocal and a total give-and-take of favors and exchanges, but at a certain point is becomes pretty apparent when I have fallen into the role of someone's token English-speaking friend, which is very different than being appreciated for my unique qualities that make me me. I feel like if people were happy to be friends with ME as a person, as opposed to just using me for my English fluency, they would be more interested in talking to me at the meal than having their children practice saying "How many people are in your family?" and "Do you like the chicken?" over and over. Perhaps an "Allison, how was your day? Have you talked to your parents recently? What are you going to do when your mom comes to visit?" would be appreciated. But no, I do not want to be your childrens' English teacher and/or babysitter for the two hours that we are eating together, just because you generously took me out for a meal.

- I don't like being asked to "perform" in the middle of what is supposed to be a relaxing dinner amongst friends. The last thing I want to do when I'm already tired is to be asked "Show us what you've learned in your Vietnamese class! Say something in Vietnamese!" Fuck no. What if I asked you to perform calculus while you're trying to enjoy your noodle soup? The amount of brain-power that it takes for me to utter a half-correct sentence in Vietnamese is so not appropriate for a casual meal, and I am so not interested in practicing at that time.

- Furthermore, I would prefer to eat by myself if you invite me to a meal and then speak Vietnamese with everyone else the entire time. I understand that in Vietnam, the idea of "company" is more valued than the idea of "conversation," so to them, they are doing me a favor simply by asking me to share a meal with them in physical presence, even if we cannot converse. However, when I eat by myself in my room, I can read a book, watch TV, listen to music, Skype with my mom (she and I have had lots of meals together where she eats her morning oatmeal and I eat my dinner, while talking to each other on Skype!), or just enjoy peace and quiet. When I'm stuck in the presence of people speaking Vietnamese, I have nothing to entertain me or distract me while everyone is having a conversation in another language, but I am stuck in that location and forced to act interested, even if I can't understand what is being said. (And furthermore, it is NOT helpful to exclaim "you really should learn Vietnamese!" every time you look over at me and remember that I can't understand what is being said. I am, in fact, fully aware that I should learn Vietnamese, and contrary to what you may be thinking, I am indeed making efforts to learn. You are not helping to remind me how incompetent I currently am.)

- Lastly, children here are so poorly-behaved and out-of-control that I would just rather live in grownup-land and never have to interact with children in this country again. They are so overly-indulged and not disciplined that they run wild and have no concept of personal space (no, I do not want you to bump into me at the grocery store because you are playing hide-and-seek. I am just trying to buy some rice and be on my merry way without stepping on a small child in the process), and they are always screaming and giving me a headache. And no, I will not pay attention to you just because you yell my name loudly. Is there any concept of good behavior or bad behavior over here? I know that age-hierarchy is so important here, so it is surprising to me that kids to not show more respect (by sitting quietly) to their elders. [American adults who are reading this blog... are American kids equally bad, and I just have no experience (besides being a bad kid myself) to relate this to? Are all kids universally this poorly-behaved? Insight is appreciated!]

So these are some things that I learned today.

No, I am not mad at this country, nor am I even really in that foul of a mood. I'm just tired and worn-out and sick of being "on-duty" as an English teacher and having to act polite and gracious and generous and interested in willing at ALL TIMES.

I don't feel comfortable getting mad here, or being cranky to people, or snapping at anyone, only because it would be so upsetting to them that I was having anything less than an amazing, happy-go-lucky time here in Vietnam. As a result, I feel like I am constantly "performing" the everything-is-so-wonderful-and-fine-and-dandy routine, and it just gets old and tiring when I've been doing it for too long without the company of other westerners to keep me grounded.

Furthermore, by having to hide that aspect of my emotional experience, it is really difficult for me to feel genuinely close to people here, only because one major aspect of my personality is completely masked. I wonder if I will ever be able to make friends with Vietnamese people to the extent where I can snap at them because I'm simply having a bad day, burst into tears in front of them, or tell them "No, I don't want to do this, and this is why." I feel so obligated to be polite at all times that I know I am presenting a fake version of myself. And that is upsetting, and also makes me feel like I'm losing a sense of my real self.

Anyway. Perhaps I should have written all of this in my journal instead of blabbed the contents of my emotions to the rest of you readers, who are probably only reading to hear about my latest adventure or culinary find. My apologies, loyal readers, that this entry was not so exciting so as to allow you to vicariously live through my experiences here (unless you have a penchant for living vicariously through other people's grumpy moods, that is, in which case, you are in the right place!!).

Tomorrow I am going to Vinh to take part in the aerobics class that Sasha joined. I think some time with a fellow westerner (and a friend who values me for more than my ability to speak English!!) as well as some freshly-flowing endorphins will do me some good. Until then, my apologies for the cranky entry, but I promise that more upbeat ones will be coming your way soon!

Goodnight to all!