Another escape weekend

I have arrived in Hanoi and am sitting, once more, at Puku Cafe (which is open 24/7 and has a good wireless signal). I should not have snarkily commented on the chilled out, artsy hipster vibe in the Cafe last week when I arrived in the middle of the night, because I think fate is mocking me now with the presence of 20 or 30 Vietnamese people who are here drinking, playing cards at every single table, smoking cigarettes, being loud and drunk, and listening to LOUD rap music. Oh how I miss the gentle lull of Bob Dylan and the passed-out drunk people from last week...

I always have two reactions when I arrive in Hanoi. The first reaction usually hits me immediately when I arrive (usually in the middle of the night from some long-distance form of transportation). I always feel ecstatic and giddy and just instantly rejuvenated upon seeing such familiar streets and landmarks. My second reaction to Hanoi usually kicks in several hours later when I am walking around the city, presumably with MJ (who is totally accustomed to navigating the busy city streets on a weekly basis). The first time upon my return to Hanoi when I am crossing the street and narrowly miss getting nailed by a passing motorbike or simply cannot cross the street because of the constant flow of cars, I remember that Hanoi is not sleepy little Ha Tinh. There is SERIOUS traffic here, and I think it will always slightly shock me each time I come back to Hanoi.

In other news, I think I am in a bit of trouble with my University for jetting off to Hanoi so often. I am trying to decide how I want to react (on the long-term) to this hostility, because I'm not sure that I'm willing to give up my escapes to Hanoi if the alternative is shivering in my freezing apartment, alone.

Mr. Duc commented to me that it seems that I go to Hanoi a lot, and that I keep missing important events. Yes, I did happen to miss the New Year's party thrown by the English department. However, it was announced to me yesterday afternoon that Chi Dao was having an engagement party yesterday night. Here is the conversation that ensued between Mr. Duc and me:

Mr. Duc: So you will come to Ms. Dao's party then, yes?
Me: Mr. Duc, I already told you I was leaving for Hanoi tonight.
Mr. Duc: So you will not be able to attend?
Me: Right.
Mr. Duc: But you missed the New Year's party last week, and now you will miss her engagement party.
Me: Right, I understand that, but the thing is, Mr. Duc, that as an American, I tend to make plans very far in advance. I understand that Vietnamese people often make plans at the last minute, but I've been planning to go to Hanoi all week and have only just heard about this party.
Mr. Duc: But I only found out about the party this morning!
Me: Exactly. That's why it's hard for me to feel accountable to change my plans in order to attend events that nobody knows about until that day.

Needless to say, the conversation did not end on the best terms, and I wish cultural differences could be transcended here.

I understand that I am entering myself into a pretty destructive negative feedback loop where, because I feel isolated and lonely in Ha Tinh, I escape to Hanoi more and more often to be with Fulbright friends, but as a result, I only further isolate myself from the community of Ha Tinh. I realize that there is no real win-win solution to this dilemma, because the bottom line is that I need to be mentally healthy in order to offer my students all that I want to offer them during the school-week, and it is hard to be mentally healthy in the isolated bubble that is Ha Tinh.

I have a hard time explaining to anybody in Ha Tinh that, even on weekends, living there is what I would consider to be work. In my own entitled American opinion, I believe that weekends should be for totally decompressing, letting off steam, and relaxing. This is close to impossible to do on weekends in Ha Tinh, only because I find the tasks of living and existing on a daily basis to be the hardest tasks of all (harder even than teaching, which is the obligation that I am actually assigned to complete while here). Those tasks of existence (going to the market, navigating a social life, dealing with language barriers, having to say no to a million requests, making a million requests to have broken things fixed, managing my homesickness and culture shock, etc) don't just disappear because the work week is over.

It's hard to explain to Mr. Duc or anyone else at the University that while living in Ha Tinh is just daily life and business-as-usual for them, it is a constant struggle for me by virtue of my foreignness. In no way am I saying that it's a struggle that I'm unwilling to take on (because, hey, I did sign up for this, after all!), but it is a struggle that I would like a break from at least two days per week. The amount of emotional energy and hard work that goes into just living and surviving on a weekly basis is surprisingly huge, and I think that I would probably explode if I did not have decompression time where I'm able to speak rapid English, eat pizza, follow American customs, or be with friends who support me and my struggles and also my successes (when, if I'm being honest, so little support is coming my way in Ha Tinh).

So, while I am happy- no, ecstatic!- to be back here in Hanoi, this mini-vacation is not without guilt or even stubborn resentment on my part.