Reinforcement and validation

I will be the first to admit that it's been a rough couple of months peppered with intrusive "Do I even want to be here?" thoughts on an all-too-frequent basis.

This is surprising to me because I remember a very specific conversation with MJ back in early September when we discussed if we could see ourselves, or any of the other Fulbrighters, going home prematurely because it was just too difficult, too stressful, not right for us, or any other number of factors. At the time, I very cockily said that I couldn't see any reason, save for really serious external circumstances, that would keep me from finishing the grant. I saw myself as an "expert" at cultural adaptation and totally prepared to finish the year with no real hurdles or obstacles that would make me question my decision to be here.

Naturally (as with all black-and-white, over-confident statements) I was wrong. Of course I have run into major obstacles that have made me ask myself "Is this battle worth fighting any longer, or should I just call it quits now?" I am realizing now that I was not as emotionally invulnerable as I had hoped to be, and that, yes, there have been difficulties that have cropped up and made things challenging and seem not worth it in the big picture.

But it is important to remind myself why I am here, and why I am not here, in order to get straight my priorities of which battles are worth expending emotional energy over, and which battles are not. I am here to teach English and to be a "cultural ambassador." I am here to interact with my students and help them to improve their English while broadening their knowledge of American and western culture. I am here to offer progressive western methods to teaching a foreign language that will hopefully remain in Ha Tinh after I leave. I am here to cultivate relationships with people and learn about their culture.

I am not here to change the political or administrative system or make things "make sense." I am not here to become an expert scholar in the Vietnamese language.

I realize that the things that have frustrated me most have been the things that are outside of my domain of why-the-fuck-I-am-even-here. Which means, upon realizing this, that I need to totally shift my priorities back to the original reasons why I am here, and stop focusing on fighting against the things that are really not in my Fulbright contract for me to worry about.

What brought me to this sudden realization was my walk to dinner, when I got suddenly hijacked and sidetracked by my lovely students who were a few restaurants over, eating snacks for one of their birthdays. I will add that these were not just any students, but my wonderful, personable, intelligent, silly, fun students of K2B English. Of course they called me over and invited me to eat banh beo, banh khoai, and hot snails with them. And of course I accepted, because I truly love these girls.

And just being with them for half an hour, I remembered how happy I am to be here, working with such amazing students. It's hard to be frustrated and want to leave when you have four lovely Vietnamese students twined around your arms to help you warm up from the cold outside air. And it's hard to be grumpy and want to leave when you have such welcoming, generous, funny students who want to spend time with you.

My K2B English students are such a reminder of exactly why I love being a Fulbright English Teaching Assistant and why there is no question that I will stay to the end to finish my grant.

This is the scene that I was greeted with when I walked by on the way to have a fast, quiet, lonely dinner. Of course I should know by now that things never go according to plan here, so I should not have been surprised to have been stopped and summoned over to join my students to eat snacks with them first.

One of the things I love about Vietnamese culture: public snuggling with one another. Who needs a space heater when there are plenty of tiny Vietnamese students queuing up to wrap around me? 

Ready to eat

This meal marked many firsts for me! It was the first time I have eaten snails (back), not only in Vietnam, but in life, and also the first time I have eaten banh beo (front), which I absolutely loved. The banh khoai (center) are a familiar favorite.

My students were laughing at me as they watched me try to eat my first snail as inconspicuously as possible.

Of course no get-together with my students of K2B is complete without Luong Man "borrowing" my camera and taking several silly pictures of herself.

Luong Man also played photographer to capture some of the precious moments of my first culinary experience with snails. The verdict? Not bad at all! They taste a bit like steamed clams and are totally inoffensive!

After my spontaneous celebration with the girls of K2B English, I feel rejuvenated and reaffirmed in my reason to be a Fulbright ETA. I'm not here to be a diplomat and to change the policies that make it so difficult for westerners to receive work papers. I'm not here to create sweeping technological reform that brings 3G phone service and wireless Internet to every town. I'm not here to change the educational system so that my students are not taking 12 classes per semester or learning via rote memorization.

Instead, I need to remind myself that I am here to have fun snail-eating experiences with my students, while interrogating them as to which ones have boyfriends and, for those who do not, which Asian countries have the hottest men for potential boyfriends [the result of said survey: a toss-up between Japan and Korea]. When I put it that way, my job is pretty freaking sweet...