Parting is such sweet sorrow

Last night I had the anxiously-awaited English faculty going-away party, which proved to be a major disappointment in my eyes and left me feeling really upset.

Prior to the actual party, I had asked Mr. Duc if it would be possible to nix the sleep-over-at-a-hotel part of the plan, since it was making me so anxious at the thought of sharing a room with my coworkers and getting a bad night's sleep. He was so kind in response and told me, "Whatever you prefer! We just want you to be very happy for your party, so whatever you decide is okay!" So luckily, I had my way with regard to sleeping in my own bed, but unluckily, I did not feel "very happy for my party," and I wish that Mr. Duc had been able to do more to prevent this.

I think that my expectations for the party were too high. At all other occasions when I go out for meals or celebrations with my coworkers, they always speak entirely in Vietnamese and completely ignore me. When they're not ignoring me, they're reminding me that if I spoke better Vietnamese, I could understand what they were saying, and that I should learn faster. I usually feel pretty miserable at these get-togethers, and I wish that it could be socially acceptable to bring a book or an iPod to the meal so I could at least be pleasantly distracted. Instead, I'm forced to zone out while pretending to be 100% present at the meal. It's really tough.

I guess I expected that at this, my going-away party that everyone was so eagerly planning for me, I would be the center of attention and that people would be even more willing than usual to make me comfortable and accommodated. And that's probably why I was so upset and disappointed at the party when I realized that it would be no different than any other English faculty get-together where I am completely excluded and would much rather be in my room, reading a great book, or chatting with friends online. I was told, once again, that I should try to learn Vietnamese so that I can understand my coworkers. I was on the verge of tears and wanted to scream, "YOU WERE ALL SUPPOSED TO TEACH ME VIETNAMESE ON A WEEKLY BASIS FOR AT LEAST TWO HOURS EVERY WEEK, BUT ALL OF YOU WERE TOO BUSY! THAT IS WHY I DON'T SPEAK VIETNAMESE, AND THAT IS WHY I CAN'T TAKE PART IN YOUR CONVERSATIONS, SO YOU ARE ONLY MAKING THESE NEGATIVE SENTIMENTS TOWARDS YOU WORSE BY EXCLUDING ME NOW!" I also wanted to scream, "REALLY?! I SHOULD LEARN VIETNAMESE SO THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND PEOPLE?! BRILLIANT IDEA! I HAD NOT THOUGHT OF THAT AT ALL IN THE PAST 10 MONTHS THAT I'VE BEEN HERE, BUT THANK YOU FOR SUGGESTING IT! AND NOW, WITH 5 DAYS LEFT IN VIETNAM, I WILL GET RIGHT ON IT!"

Of course, losing your temper is one of the most shameful public acts that you can commit in Vietnam, so I just smiled silently and glowered inside.

I returned home from the party incredibly cranky, bitter, upset, and wanting to leave Vietnam that instant. After some calming down by both Dad and MJ, I reminded myself that I could stick it out or 7 more days (SEVEN! OH MY GOSH!), and that a good night's sleep and a good breakfast the following morning would probably improve my mood significantly.

And luckily, I was right. I slept okay (although because of the heat in my apartment and my hardcore anxiety about getting all my packing done, I didn't sleep as well as I would have liked) and woke up to a banh muot breakfast. Today I had plenty more goodbye parties and meetings, and they went significantly better than last night's.

First I met with the Rector and some other bigwigs in the administration who thanked me (through Mr. Duc as my translator) and gave me a really moving speech in gratitude. They also presented me with flowers and a beautiful (yet totally impractical and difficult-to-transport-home) framed piece of art, which just fits the trend that other Fulbrighters have been facing of receiving gifts that will be impossible to pack conveniently. So far, the weirdest (yet most thoughtful!) gift that anyone has received was a cactus, that one of MJ's students gave her as a reminder to thrive in difficult situations. Very sweet but good luck getting that home in your suitcase, MJ! Now I, too, will struggle with bringing home a piece of artwork that is framed in glass and looks very valuable. Oh well, it's beautiful and incredibly thoughtful, but I'll be shocked and impressed if it makes it home to Massachusetts (through Hanoi, Tokyo, and Dallas) in one piece.

After the meeting with the Rector, I went out for coffee with Mr. Duc, Chi Hang, and a few other members of our department. It was nice to spend time with Chi Hang today because our relationship has been incredibly tense and awkward ever since she started dating a new boyfriend and stopped spending time with me.

Lastly, I went to a goodbye party with my first-year students which was so lovely. I was dreading this party the most, actually, since their English is soooooooooooooooooooooo low. I figured it would be awkward and uncomfortable for me, but it ended up being a really lovely party. Some of the better students even offered me really well-articulated, thoughtful goodbye-and-best-wishes speeches, and I was so touched at how much work had to have gone into those speeches to sound as good as they did!

One of the best students in the class told me that I was the first foreign teacher she had ever had, and that she would never forget me, and it really started to hit home just how much of a big deal I have been to some of my students.

Of course this year has not been easy, or, in many cases, fun, but I have a feeling that I will look back at it with such fondness and pride. To know that I will be remembered forever by some of these students is such a tremendous compliment, and I'm so honored that I have (allegedly) made such an impact on their lives.

On Saturday, I'm going with Cat Tuong, one of my most dedicated students, to visit her family's house. I'm really excited to spend the day with her because she is one of my few students whose English is so proficient that I barely need to slow down or simplify my patterns of speech, so it's really easy to chat with her for long amounts of time without getting exhausted.

The past two days have been gray and cloudy so they have not amounted to beach weather, but I'm praying that tomorrow can be an uninterrupted day of sunning, swimming, and lounging in order to soak up all that Ha Tinh has to offer for one last time!