Unintentional sleepless nights

I am livid right now. Ever since coming to Vietnam, I have boasted to anyone who asks “Oh- but isn’t it scary living and travelling by yourself? Is it safe there?” that “There has never been a time in Vietnam when I have feared for my safety!” And, up until now, that’s been entirely true and one thing about Vietnam that I really, really, really value.

I have never felt more “city-comfortable” than I do, walking around Hanoi in the middle of the night. For better or for worse, Vietnam seems to be the country that never sleeps, so I have never felt that sense of “I am alone on a dark street and don’t trust my surroundings.” I mean, it’s pretty unlikely for me to ever find myself on a completely darkened street, and even more unlikely for me to ever find myself alone on an empty street. People are always out, and streetlights and houselights and shoplights always seem to be on. Even in my apartment, I (probably stupidly) rarely lock the door unless I am sleeping. Especially in broad daylight, if I am running out to the market or going to class, the campus is totally, 100% safe. The University has a gate-guard, and anybody trying to get in my room that is not a curly-haired white westerner would look incredibly conspicuous.

I’ve become very trusting of this country.

Tonight, without meaning to, Vietnam let me down. Deviating a bit from my usual weekend routine of taking the day-train on Friday morning to commute to Hanoi, I decided to take the Thursday night train that would get me in mid-morning (instead of mid-evening) to Hanoi. After my stressful extra five hours on the train last week, I wanted what I hoped would be a more peaceful train experience.

I had actually never taken the train for which I bought the ticket- on occasions when I do decide to take the Thursday night train, I always take the 11 PM which gets me in at 4 AM and leaves me very little time for falling into a sound sleep on the train. This week, though, I got lucky! The 8:30 PM train was, for the first time ever, not sold-out. It gets me in to Hanoi at 4:30, which allows a few extra hours of sleep time and, hopefully, one extra REM cycle.

When I got on the train, I began to understand why the 8:30 train is always sold-out. It is just so beautiful! Wood-paneling, crisp and clean bed linens, bathrooms that could be out of a hotel- it was much nicer than the trains I’m used to. It must be the newest of all of the trains in Vietnam (I have read that they’re slowly going through the process of renovating/modernizing each train, one by one), and at 8:30 when the train started to pull away and I was alone in my 4-person cabin, I thought that things couldn’t get much better!

Around 9:30, the cabin door opened, and I was joined by a man who had boarded at that stop. Okay, sadly, my dreams of an entire cabin to myself were thwarted. At this point, I was still reading in my bunk, trying to drift off to sleep. As I was reading, I noticed that New Cabin Mate Man kept staring at me, trying to make eye contact whenever I would look up. Ew. Creepy.

Nonetheless, I must have managed to fall asleep. I had actually managed to fall into a really restful, dream-filled sleep and was dreaming that I was on a windy beach in a hammock, covered in a blanket. It was so windy that I could feel my blanket swaying on top of me. Oh wait- nope, not a dream any longer.

I woke up and New Cabin Mate Man (hereafter known as Creepy Cabin Mate Man) was gently pulling on the edge of my blanket from across the aisle. Oftentimes when I take the sleeper train, I sleep soundly through all of the announcements that we are pulling into Hanoi, so my well-meaning cabin-mates have been known to prod me awake when we’re pulling into the station. Luckily, Hanoi is the last stop on the line, and it would be impossible for me not to wake up once everybody else is hustling and bustling in the hallways, but nonetheless it’s a nice gesture for people to try to wake up the foreigner who may not know the system. Is that what this blanket-jostling is all about? I asked myself groggily. What time is it? What time was it? I looked at my phone. 2:06. Not time to be pulling into Hanoi.

I looked over at Creepy Cabin Mate Man who was leering at me. He was struggling to find English words. Was he trying to tell me “We’ll be in Hanoi soon?” Nope. Instead, what he ended up sputtering out was, “You’re beautiful.”

Wait. Are you serious? Did that just happen to me? Did a complete stranger who was already bordering on creepy really just wake me in the middle of the night to tell me that I was beautiful? Does this mean he has been watching me sleep this entire time?

I had a million responses that I wanted to angrily spit out at him. “First of all- never, EVER wake Allison Backman, of all people, from a sound sleep. Second of all- HOW DARE YOU take advantage of a stranger’s vulnerability to creepily watch them sleep! Third of all- now that I’m awake, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT? WHY DID YOU WAKE ME? YOU BETTER HAVE A DAMN GOOD REASON FOR RUINING THE FIRST SOUND SLEEP I’VE HAD IN THE PAST FEW FEVER-RIDDEN NIGHTS.”

Could I say any of that to him? Nope. In case any of you forgot, I don’t speak Vietnamese. I had to settle for “Thank you” because what other response is there when some random stranger tells you you’re beautiful, yet you don’t speak a lick of their language (besides “I’m going to the market and I would like to buy some carrots” or “I am 23 and not married” – phrases that were not going to get me very far… well, actually, the not married one could easily have gotten me farther than I would have wanted with Creepy Cabin Mate Man, so I’m glad I didn’t use that one)? The correct answer: no other response.

So now, okay, I’m awake, what the hell do you want, Creepy Cabin Mate Man? Apparently nothing, but simply to continue leering at me. Really? This guy has the gall to wake me and now just wants to creepily stare?

The livid part of this blog entry comes with the after-the-fact of the waking and the creepy comment. I rolled over and tried to re-enter Windy Tropical Beach mode, but no luck. Every time I would start to drift into sleep, my blanket would fall a bit or the train would rattle, and my heart would start racing at the anticipation of Creepy Cabin Mate Man invading my personal space. Sure enough, I would look over, and he would still be there, just watching me.

I can’t decide if I am most angry at him for taking away my sense of security on the trains or in this country in general OR if I’m most angry at him for taking away two valuable extra hours of sleep from me for no good reason. In any case, I feel frustrated. I have never felt endangered on Vietnamese trains, and I take them almost every single weekend.

I am usually placed in a cabin with old grandfathers that want to show me pictures of their grandkids on their cell phones, or families with small children who gaze curiously at me. Usually these cabin-mates will temporarily adopt me and offer me whatever libations they are consuming (copious amounts of beer in the case of the two grandfathers, cookies and bread in the case of the family with the baby, just last week). Usually we’ll share a short, friendly conversation in Vietnamese of “Yes, I’m 23. I am a teacher. I live in Ha Tinh. I teach at the University. I like Vietnam. No, I am not married. No, I do not want to marry a Vietnamese man,” and then, when they realize that I have exhausted my language supply, they leave me alone and I can go to sleep feeling comfortable.

This man was different, however, and made me feel so, so, so uncomfortable and totally robbed me of a good night’s sleep.