Thoughts on departure

Here are some things that I am feeling:

• terror
• anxiety
• sadness to leave behind some incredible friends, family members, and romances
• guilt at not appreciating this opportunity more
• regret
• anger at being "forced" to leave
• excitement (but only a smidgen)
• nervousness
• loneliness (pre-emptively)

I wish I could feel more overjoyed at the thought of leaving. Whenever I tell people about my plans, they  start freaking out and saying "YOU MUST BE SO EXCITED! Oh my gosh, that is amazing!! Are you so thrilled?" and I have to put on a fake smile and act all enthusiastic as if this is the best thing in the world.

And it is. Don't get me wrong. Only 3,000 or so people in the United States are granted Fulbright Scholarships, and it is such an honor to be given this opportunity to live and work in Vietnam, a country I have always wanted to experience. I will get to connect with people of different backgrounds and cultures, and get to travel and see sites that I have always dreamed about. Furthermore, I will be placed into a network of Fulbright alumni and State Department employees, which is quite the elite bunch. There are a million reasons why this is an extraordinary opportunity and experience that I am about to embark on, and I do not want to negate or downplay any of those million reasons.

However, there are also a million reasons why this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. I have to leave friends and family for a whole year, longer than I have ever been without my safety net. I have to make a 22-hour journey to the other side of the world in a cramped airplane seat, all alone. I have to learn a new language that is unlike any language I have ever learned before. I have to adapt to new foods, new diseases and sicknesses, and immense loneliness at being a lone foreigner in a small town. I have to figure out how to obtain a foreign driver's license, deal with living in a country with a completely different political system, and figure out how to buy an international cell phone. I have to build a life for myself that involves a structured, daily schedule, but also makes room for adventures and excitement. I have to find things to fill this schedule and to keep me from hiding out in my apartment for fear of the outside world. And what seems to be most difficult: I have to say goodbye to an amazing, loving boyfriend with a vague hope, but no real certainty, of reuniting in the future. And once again, I need to uproot my life just as soon as I have begun to settle down.

So no, I am not so unbelievably excited and thrilled for this opportunity because news-flash!!!! Life simply is not that simple. If things could be so easy and black and white, then yes, I would definitely be excited and thrilled and overjoyed at such an adventurous opportunity. But in this life where there are infinite shades of grey regarding my day-to-day experience and thoughts, there are more emotions that I feel than just excitement and eagerness.

Tomorrow I will begin to pack, which will solidify the whole situation. Yes, I will really be leaving early on Friday morning. I have no doubt that I will sob intermittently throughout the entire day+ of travelling. And I will get to Hanoi and feel jet-lagged, hungry, tired, filthy, and cranky, and I will want to turn right around. I will ask myself what the hell I was thinking, and what I got myself into. I will tell myself that I made the worst mistake of my life. I will tell myself that the following morning, I will wake up and arrange a flight home and forego my scholarship.

And then, voila, the next morning I will awake after a much-needed sleep, and I will go out into Hanoi and find my first bowl of steaming hot, flavorful, fragrant pho, and suddenly, the whole experience will seem so much more doable on a full stomach and a full night's rest. I can do this because I have already done this before!!

I've done the foreign country. I've done the culture shock. I've done the new language. I've done the making friends and boyfriends and family members and networks. I've done the building a daily routine and balancing that with time for fun and adventure. I've done the loneliness and also done the immense joy at becoming so independent. Yes, this experience will be almost three times as long as my study abroad experience in Senegal, but I can do this. I really can.

One valuable piece of information to keep reminding myself is that: nobody can POSSIBLY feel one emotion for an entire year. This is comforting because it means it will pretty much be IMPOSSIBLE to be miserable for the entire year. I guess, at the heart of all of my anxiety, is the fear that I will be so unhappy and so miserable. But really, that is just purely impossible. I will feel waves of excitement, joy, sadness, anger, and everything in between. But regardless of the aspects that will get me down, there will be a million other aspects that will be life-changing and life-affirming.

I had a wonderful, encouraging, and uplifting conversation with an amazing, inspirational friend, Anna, today. She reminded me that yes, this will be a lonely experience because yes, I will be living on my own for the first time, in a foreign country at that. But she also reminded me that this may be the best opportunity for me to build a positive, loving, solid relationship with myself. I will grow so much in the next year, and become so independent and confident. I will learn to travel by myself, go to museums by myself, go out to eat by myself, and make my own friends without a wing-man to help me out. What could be more empowering?!

So here I go. Perhaps I'll write more pre-deparature affirmations to keep my spirits up. If not, the next entry you read will be all the way from South-East Asia!