I will be living on my own in a town where I know no one, speak no Vietnamese, and already struggle with getting easily overwhelmed by my emotions thoughts and emotions.
Yes, studying and living abroad in Dakar, Senegal for four months was life-changing, challenging, inspiring, enlightening, and a multitude of other adjectives. But I am inclined to poo-poo my experience in Senegal as I was surrounded by a loving, supportive host family, host institution, and group of fellow Americans, I was living in a capital city, and I had the psychological luxury of knowing that my experience was only four months... "anyone can survive four months in a challenging situation." Furthermore, I spoke the language. I came to Senegal with a knowledge of the French language that made me comfortable speaking to most people, at least to some degree.
But here I am, embarking on an even bigger and more challenging journey. I will not be surrounded by fellow Americans that I will see on a daily basis for plates of French fries and other American comforts. I will not speak a lick of Vietnamese (save for ordering bowls of pho ga and pho tai at my favorite Vietnamese restaurants in California). I will also have more responsibilities than I had as a frivolous college student who was on her junior year's semester abroad. I will be responsible for commanding a presence in a classroom of 35 University students who are just a few years younger than me. I will be responsible for creating my own network of friends and surrogate family members. I will be responsible for maintaining my sanity and mental health amidst all of these struggles.
Furthermore, I will be living in a foreign environment for an entire year, away from home. I have never been away from home for more than a few months. Sure, I went to college 3,000 miles away from home and flourished. But I also came home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and spring breaks. Sure, I studied in Senegal (also roughly 3,000 miles away from home), but I returned home after just a few months. Here I will be in Vietnam for an entire year without any real hope for coming home for rest, relaxation, and rejuvenation periods.
These are all new challenges that I will have to face and conquer. I understand that all of these doubts are completely NORMAL. In fact, I remember my very first night in Senegal, when I was wide awake in the middle of the night, sharing a bed with Shannon (a complete stranger to me, at the time) at a random dingy hotel somewhere in the middle of Dakar, when I thought to myself "What have I done? I thought I was being adventurous, but I don't think I realized the consequences of such an adventure. I think I have taken on too much. Maybe tomorrow morning I should just tell the host institution that I made a mistake and want to come home." I truly thought that I was thinking rationally.
However, the next morning I woke up, refreshed after a night's sleep and a full breakfast (the two main remedies for cranky Allie), and felt much more confident in my ability to juggle all the new challenges that were about to be thrust upon me.
I feel like these initial doubts mirror those from that first night in Dakar. Furthermore, I know that they follow the normal and expected pattern of cultural adjustment (I have included the visual chart below in case any of my readers are interested in the "normal" patterns of emotional adjustment to living in new cultures).
According to this chart, my emotions will wax and wane several times throughout my year in Vietnam (hell, they will probably wax and wane several times throughout a one-hour period, let alone a one-year stint!), so this anxiety, doubt, and even a tad of "Allie, you are such a daredevil idiot," are completely normal and expected!
It is extremely validating to read that everything I am feeling right now is NORMAL. However, I have doubts and worries nonetheless.
I think the initial excitement of "OH MY GOSH I WON A FULBRIGHT SCHOLARSHIP! OH MY GOSH I AM GOING TO LIVE IN VIETNAM AND EAT PHO EVERY DAY! OH MY GOSH I HAVE A YEAR AHEAD OF ME THAT IS GOING TO BE SO EPIC!" has worn off and has been replaced with "Oh my gosh, what have I gotten myself into? Oh my gosh, can I even handle this? Oh my gosh, have I bitten off more than I can chew?"
All of a sudden, this new life change has become very real, and as a result, very scary. I know that I will survive because, as I reminded myself in Senegal that anyone can do anything for four months, I can remind myself that it is just as possible to do anything for a year. 365 goes by very quickly, and if I am miserable, they will end eventually. If I'm not miserable, I know they'll fly by. What I'm trying to say, though, is that this entire situation is fleeting, and I cannot get bogged down in thinking that whatever difficult situation/emotion I'm facing will last FOREVER and overtake me permanently.
I apologize to my readers for the somewhat pessimistic and philosophical tone of this post. I can assure you all that most posts of mine will be upbeat, informative, and full of exciting pictures of all the food I am eating and adventures I am going on. This pre-deparature anxiety is simply getting the better of me, and I figured it is just as valuable an aspect of the acculturation process as the exciting, thrilling aspects.
Time to go be pro-active and move on with my day. Until next time!
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